I’m starting a brand new chapter in my life. Actually, a few new chapters so maybe I should say a new novel. And while not all of them will be life altering (so far) they are all important in various ways.
First, there is the whole Manfriend thing. With him being in Indiana and us fighting then him not speaking to me, and me wanting to whim-wham between wanting to throttle him and wanting to kiss him. But this blog isn’t to whine about our relationship (I actually started a whole new place so my loyal LODADs-ians won’t be infected with BDGD. )
But I am starting a new job too- so yay! I am VERY sure that I will be scathing with all my new coworkers soon. I mean, there are almost 1000~ so there’s a chance that LODAD will be busier than ever.
It’s the job thing that got me on my newest rant, really. And not the having a job, which is so totally yay. It’s the important step towards independence that I am now taking. And THAT got me starting thinking on the difference between want and need.
Because a lot of people hear women speak of independence and think stubborn. But it’s not stubbornness that I’m seeking but self. And there’s a reason it’s not called a relation-self-ship. Because once you’re in a couple-dom, you lose a part of yourself. Only a very little part if you are lucky. A much larger one if you are dumb. And there is no good reason for it.
While I can understand wanting to cling to another person because they make you feel good and beautiful and loved we women need to remember that we are all those things with or without him. We need to remember we are the reason they’re in our lives. We are the catalyst for their interest. So why do we change?
Need is my theory. We need to needed, wanted, desired. There is something to the genetic make-up of women that makes us strive for acceptance. And not just acceptance but undeniable need. We need the need in our lives to notice us, to want us, to be dazzled by us. Which explains why we start off independent, self-aware, and strong willed women and turn into compliant , indecisive, weak minded girls once the glow off the new relationship dims (roughly at six months is my record)
Does that piss you off? That I called you out? GOOD! Because I’m pissed too! Mostly because I’m so very guilty.
How often do you say “wherever you want to eat, whatever you want to do, whenever you want to go?” Yeah, me too. Why? Because we usually don’t have an opinion. Or sometimes, because sometimes it’s just easier. Or to avoid an argument. I’m not saying we should constantly wrench the wheel in our direction, but why not just say, “I want this.” You have to retain self. Even if you really don’t have an opinion, don’t be apathetic. Voice something. “I don’t really care” is not acceptable. How annoyed are you when he returns the favor and doesn’t bother to say anything but “whatever you want.”
“I’d prefer sit down rather than drive thru.” Or “We just had Chinese so anything other than that.” Even “I don’t want to hang out with your friends again, how about we split up for a few hours and then met up at home.” Even “I’d rather see this rom-com that’s about to leave theaters so why don’t we go bowling like you want next week?”
SAY ANYTHING! {cue “In Your Eyes” (I love that song! And movie! [ “She’s gone. She gave me a pen. I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen”])} Once you stop caring, why should he? And it starts with not keeping yourself alive, by melting into eachother to the point that you are nothing without the other one.
Women need to remember that their relationship does not make them THEM. I’m mostly talking to myself here. Even when I go into a new couple-dom and constantly remind myself of it, I tend to back slide into complacency.
I swore it wouldn’t happen this time with the Manfriend. Of course, that was pre-pregnancy, pre-him moving in, pre-miscarriage, pre-him moving to Indiana. I became needy, insecure, and pertrified of losing him. Why? Because I needed him. I needed him to need me! I had to make him believe his life wouldn’t be the same without me just as I was sure that was the way it SHOULD be. And by reverting into full blown Twlight angst, I managed to alienate him and disgust myself. BAH! It’s ridiculous to the point of being absurd.
He fell in love with stubborn, strong willed, independent Lissa. Why did I think new clingy, whiny, pensive, and pathetic Lissa would hold any attraction. I don’t like her; why would he?
Am I in love with him? Simply, yes. I was never a romantic before him. My marriage to the Ex was mostly for his mother. The stress and the planning and the…the…the fucking froufrou of it all pissed me off and made it unbearable to enjoy. I wasn’t so much happy with being married so much as I was relieved that the damned wedding was over. I was so glad to not have to think about napkins, or open bars, or color combos anymore. I never believed in that whole Happily Ever After before. In finding The One. In soulmates. In forever and forever, dying on the same day, Amen, theend. But moments after meeting him-I believed. In all my girly, tween-ish, dramatic flair. I believed in all that stuff that I had scoffed at since the age of 10. (I blame my mom’s habitual divorce practices. I mean, it’s hard to believe in Prince Charming when she’s currently hating husband #5. Or is it #6?)
Did I lose my mind after I lost our baby? Simply (and resoundingly), yes. That’s not an excuse, that’s the truth. After my miscarriage I was an emotional wreck. I was pissed at the entire planet. I was depressed and withdrawn and stubbornly ignoring that I was either. And I dared the entire human existence to challenge the age old fall back of “I’m fine.” I was at the point that I wanted to say fuck the world but I was positive there wasn’t a dildo big enough. I regret all of that. If I could change it, I would. In a Doctor Who moment, I would change it and damn the consequences. Because I know that was where I screwed up.
And by screwing up, I mean I Iost myself. We had gone from an Us that was still a me and him but together to a dynamic that was less us because of the baby to a me and him apart but subletting parts of each other’s hearts. When she died, I needed protection because I had never faced that kind of pain before. Ever. And the only way to protect myself was to shut down. I did everything but pack his bags for him and boot his ass down the stairs. God I screwed up. Because that is not what I wanted. But I was so lost so forgettable of myself, I didn’t know what I was doing. I needed but didn’t know what I needed. I asked for all the wrong things and I became resentful when he didn’t just know what I couldn’t ask for.
Don’t get me wrong- he screwed up too. Still is. But when one of you loses self, it’s salvageable. But when you both do, how can you come back to where you were?
That’s why retaining self is so important ladies. So very important. Because if it does fall apart you need to be able to pick up the pieces on your own. Or if you want to make it work, then you need to know yourself so you don’t lean too much on him. Because fixing it is harder than maintaining it.
Trust me.
lodad 